You know you're Scottish when...

Pinched from the internet:

1. Scattered showers with outbreaks of sunshine and a cold northerly wind, is your idea of good weather.
2. The only sausage you like is square.
3. You were forced to do Scottish country dancing every year at high school.
4. You have a wide knowledge of local words, and know: Numpty is an idiot, Aye is yes, Aye right is No, Auldjin is someone over 40, and Baltic is cold.
5. You have an irrational need to eat anything from the chippy, as long as its deep fried - Haggis, pizza, white pudding, sausage, fish, chicken and battered Mars Bars.
6. You used to love destroying your teeth with -Penny Dainties, Wham Bars, Cola Cubes, and Soor Plooms.
7. You always greet people by talking about the weather.
8. Even if you normally hate the Proclaimers, Runrig, Caledonia, Deacon Blue, Big Country, etc, you still love it when they are played in a club abroad. (in fact you’ll probably ask the DJ to play it)
9. You have an enormous feeling of dread, even when Scotland play a diddy team.
10. You are proud that Scotland has the highest number of alcohol and smoking deaths in Europe.
11. You used to watch Glen Michael’s Cartoon Cavalcade on a Sunday Afternoon with his lamp Paladdin.
12. You got Oor Wullie and The Broons books Every Christmas.
13. You only enjoy Weir’s Way on the telly when you are pissed.
14. You are able to recognise the regional dilect, (Glasgow) ‘Awright pal, gonie gies a wee swatcha yir paper nat, Cheers, magic pal. (Aberdeen) Fitlike Loon? Furryboots ya bin up tae? fair few quines in the night, min. (Inverness) Ah-eee right enuffff! How’s you keeeepeeeen?
15. You know the police are about to arrive when you hear someone shout-Errapolis.
16. You have witnessed a ‘Square Go’
17. You know that when you are asked which School you attended they really mean,’Are you Catholic or Proddy?’
18. You have eaten the following: Mince and Tatties, Cullen Skink, Tunnock’s Teacakes, Snowballs and Caramel Wafers, Porage, Macaroon Bar, Baxters Soup, Scotch Pie, Oatcakes.
19. A Jakey has asked you for 10p for a cuppa tea.
20. You wait at the shop counter for 1p change.
21. You know that the right response to ‘you dancing?’ is ‘you askin?’ followed by ‘am askin’ and finally ‘then am dancin’.
22. You associated sawdust with vomit, coz the ‘jannie’ always, used to pour it over sick in school.
23. You lose all respect for a groom who doesn’t wear a kilt.
24. You don’t do shopping, you ‘go for the messages.’
25. You’re on a bus and the drunk picks you to sit next to.
26. You are able to conduct a 20 minute phone call using three words only,– Awright, aye, and naw.
27. When you refuse the offer of a drink, you hear, ‘ You no weel?’
28. You have heard the following: You canny fling pieces oot a 20 storey flat, 700 hungry weans’ll testify to that, If its butter, cheese or jelly, If the breed is plain or pan, The chances o’ it reachin earth, Are ninety nine tae wan.
29. You know that going to a party means bringin a Kerry oot.
30. Your holiday in Benidorm is ruined when you hear there is a heatwave back home.
31. Scotland go 2-0 up against the French, and you immediately think, getting beat 3-2 was ‘no a bad result’.
32. You can pronounce: McConnochie, Ecclefechan,Milngavie, and Kirkcaldy.
33. You love deep fried Pizza.
34. You can’t pass a Kebab shop after being at the pub.
35. You are used to four seasons in one day. (winter, winter, autumn, winter)
36. You can fall when drunk and not spill your drink.
37. You see people wearing shellsuits with Burberry accessories, and think ‘thats class’.
38. You measure distance in minutes.
39. You understand Rab C. Nesbitt.
40. You go to Saltcoats because you think its abroad.
41. You can make a whole sentence using only swear words.
42. You know what haggis is made with, but you still enjoy it.
43. You know someone who planned their wedding around the football fixtures.
44. You have been to a wedding and the football results have been announced in church.
45. You are not surprised to find one shop selling ALL of the following: Pizzas, Nappies, Fags, Curries, Milk, Paint, Shoes etc.
46. Your seaside home has Calor gas under it.
47. You know that Irn-Bru is a good hang over cure.
48. You could swear before you could count.
49. You would ‘nut’ a terrorist if they tried to bomb your Airport.
50. You are not only Scottish but Glasgwian when you understand the following- How’s it hingin’, clatty, boggin’, cludgie, Ba’heid, bawbag, and double nougat.

Also:

• You know the difference between a pan loaf and a plain loaf.
• You support whichever teams are playing against England.
• When you visit Australia and New Zealand, strangers hear your accent and come and tell you that their granny came from Dumfermline or Hamilton or some other Scottish town.
• When you refer to ‘the Capital’, you don’t mean London.
• When you refer to ‘the Parliament’, you don’t mean Westminster.
• ...and the tune to the "jeely piece" song is still running through your head, hours after reading this!

"borrowed" from http://kulaprabha.net/

Thank You Jane!

Left the house this morning feeling really gloomy, but 10 minutes into my journey I met a little ray of sunshine who helped me see that life is really not at all bad and that success is not measured by material things but by relationships.

That sounds awful – and normally on reading something like that I’d be rolling my eyes and sticking two fingers down my throat, but I’m not. She didn’t give me any advice or platitudes, in fact she just chatted, showed an interest and listened, but being with such a nice person focussed my attention on all the good things in my life, like my family.

I was able to let go of all the envious thoughts about houses and money that have been consuming me lately. What does it matter if I’m stuck in a noisy old dump at the moment? Make that noisy old dump a cosy little paradise (albeit a noisy, cosy little paradise), think about the good people who surround me and forget about the awfulness of the people above me. I’m not usually such a moan you know. I do quite often have low periods but compensate for them by having far, far more happy periods in my life. Peace, joy and contentment! That’s not the new me but it’s the usual me making a determined reappearance!

Isn’t that nice? I must say that even though I got on it with a little black cloud hovering above me, I stepped off the bus with a spring in my step – which is good going considering that I was stepping off it in Dalkeith!

Thank you Jane from Lauder for being my own little ray of sunshine.

Tuesday Morning Musings

My mood is far too closely linked to whatever book I’m reading at the time. Is this a psychological weakness? If I was to start reading thrillers would that turn me into a serial killer? (Hmmmm, I know who I would be top of my victim list!) Watch out! My next book is a murder mystery!

No – it’s more a mood thing. If I read something gloomy my mood sinks to my boots and if I read something light and fluffy I feel fluffy myself. Is the lead character witty and sharp? Fancy that, so am I! Any of life's little problems that come my way can be swept aside with an amusing comment. Is my lead character suffering the old 'slings and arrows'? Oh dear... nobody loves me, the milk of life is pooling around my feet and being diluted with copious tears. Woe, woe and thrice woe!

Definitely some kind of problem, maybe I should see a doctor.... I wonder if you can get PG Wodehouse on prescription?

I've just finished the Ebony Tower by John Fowles. John Fowles is an excellent writer, you feel your mind being gently exercised as he develops ideas and situations, without abandoning plot and character. Unfortunately the series of stories in this collection is inhabited by a collection of characters who are faced with uncomfortable situations and the tales explore the ways they deal with the situations they find themselves in. Not really the kind of thing my chameleon personality needs when I'm trying to persuade myself that the world hasn't turned against me and no, it would not be a good idea to murder the people upstairs.

Twitter / Heathermomo

Doom and Gloom

I'm going to take my own advice and post in the depths of my misery. I've suffered a disappointment, and I find it hard to talk about face to face because my eyes tend to leak, I know it's silly but I can't help it.

I live in a flat and about a year ago an incredibly noisy family moved in upstairs. the noise has permeated to the depths of my soul and I am a shadow of my former self. My life has a permanent soundtrack of thump bang crash, and it is sooo wearying.

But that's not my disappointment, just the background to it.

After 20 years in this flat we have started the search for a new house, preferably on the ground floor, and definitely with no upstairs neighbours. A proper house in fact. A few weeks ago we found one. 12 Westfield Rd. Perfect. A semi detached house for rent, in the same town. The owners aren't just letting it because the housing market is so weak, they are looking for a long term tenant. It has a garden, a garage, and an old lady next door who is unlikely to have late night parties at weekends. It also has a tiny kitchen and a basic bathroom, and no downstairs loo, but apart from that....

We viewed it, considered it and applied for it. Various credit checks were to be carried out. I declared openly the shadow on my record (there's a good reason I'm a tenant and not an owner!) and was assured that that was unlikely to be a problem. We waited for the result to come through, and I always kept my natural pessimism to the fore. After all until the checks are complete we may well not have secured the house. Then one evening I checked the reference website and there against my name was an open comment - "Approved for Tenancy"!

Marvellous! The house was ours! I danced around, I emailed my children, I spoke to my sister by phone telling her the whole story of the application, I checked we had the deposit available and slept happy that night knowing I could escape this prison.

Next morning my husband went to see the agent.... "Unfortunately..." the thieving sons of unmarried parents! They took our 'administration fee', ran the checks, then refused the application because of the shadow I had declared to them and had been assured was not an issue! Apparently the only way they could approve the tenancy would be if we paid the entire term up front - plus a deposit! It's hilarious really.

Now we're £50 poorer, and in the same hellish position we were before. However I had allowed my hopes to build up that night and when they came crashing down it was devastating. I had to tell everyone I had been mistaken and that I was not actually moving - which is mortifying. I have to face no end to this noise and disruption, in fact the children will get bigger and noisier and I can't see life getting any better.