Christmas Countdown

You know how in magazines etc from about September they have these Christmas timetables – Step by step guide to creating the perfect Christmas ?

Well here’s my version:
How to have a perfect-ish Christmas with next-to-no outlay of time of effort!

1. October and November – Instead of using this time to look for early Christmas presents, menu planning and saving money for the holiday, haunt the property ads and spend every spare weekend visiting potential homes. Make a half hearted attempt at preparatory packing and clearing out. (Not too much though – you don’t want to tempt fate!)
   
   
2. 1st week in December – You could use this to dig out your Christmas decorations, test lights, discard old decorations and buy replacements, but instead find a house, make a real start on packing and chucking out the detritus of 20 years in the same place.
   
   
3. 2nd week in December – Send your husband to hospital so he can have a heart attack in a nice safe environment. Spend the rest of the week in a tizz of packing and hospital visiting.
   
   
4. 3rd week in December – Move house. This shouldn’t take long so you can devote the rest of the week to lying ill in bed.
   
   
5. 4th week in December – Only a few days to Christmas! Now that you are fully refreshed and in a cosy new house, albeit surrounded by boxes and haven’t got the hang of the fire yet, it’s time to think about celebrations. The first class deadline will be staring you in the face so grab an assortment of Christmas cards and bankrupt yourself by posting them out first class. Take time out to collect your offspring from airports and bus stations. Presents – your nearest and dearest will expect presents but you’ve no time left for hand crafted things of beauty and no money left to buy well thought out gifts…. Thank goodness for 24 hour supermarkets!
   
   
   
6. Christmas Eve – time to turn the house upside down looking for a Christmas tree and decorations – surely they’re here somewhere? Nip out to the shops and buy last, last minute pressies. Wrap the things you have got, stick up the tree, drape tinsel and greenery over selected spaces, pop the gifts under the tree and stand back well pleased with yourself that you made it after all!
   

Thanks to William for putting up the tree, and Vicky for helping me pick presents for under a fiver, and for coming back from China with a ton of stocking fillers that she proceeded to stuff in stockings for all of us, and thanks to all of us for setting aside any greed and for really appreciating a book, a jumper, some hand cream for Christmas gifts. We opened our little packages with the delight that can often be missing if a Nintendo is bought instead of a Wii, or the wrong brand of trainers.

We had a delightful day, and were so busy enjoying ourselves we didn't have time for Christmas lunch at lunchtime, so after visiting my mum in the afternoon and having fun with the greater family, we had a civilised Christmas dinner in the evening, and because no one was driving anywhere we could have wine and flop on the sofa afterwards.

Moving House - how many disasters can happen?

Dear all,
Here is the sad and sorry tale of our move to Blainslie. We were in an all-fired rush because the light of my life was suffering with the stress of noisy and abusive neighbours, so as soon as we located a cottage and it was empty we gathered our stuff together and dashed off. Unfortunately 5 days before the move, the light of my life went to hospital for a routine visit and they decided to keep him. That made the last minute preparations for the move quite challenging! However, plans is plans, and we just had to carry on. The house was wreathed in mist when we arrived to pick up the keys and absolutely freezing! However George, the farmer had offered to lend us a horsebox to move our stuff and threw in a huge pickup to pull it

The move of boxes and furniture went reasonably smoothly, but even although I had had a big clear out I still ended up with too much stuff to fit into a 2 bedroomed cottage with no cupboards. George had offered to come and light the stove for me to show how it all went, but once he arrived he started pulling bits out of it, tutting and shaking his head. The result is that the stove needs a complete rebuild, but he fitted the bits back in for the time being so we could get some use out of it.

Someone at this time told me that the electric water heater can be switched on and left and it would kick in only if the fire wasn’t managing to heat the water. The fire was lit, the radiators started to become warm, every room was filled with boxes but in the main the furniture was all in the right rooms. The cat was released from his box and the light of my life was released from hospital, so I picked him up from a warm hospital and delivered him to a cold house.

That evening the telly was connected to the existing satellite dish but it showed none of the “right” stations the radiators stayed warm to cool and we could hear the hot water boiling in the tank above us I found the box with the phone in it and plugged it in. The phone didn’t work

That night I tossed and turned worrying that I’d made an awful mistake, at 4 am I got up and looked at the fire which looked as if it had gone out. On opening the door I found a huge plate of metal had fallen down into the fire!

I let the fire go out.

Sunday morning, after a sleepless night I went to the bathroom and threw the entire contents of my stomach (precious little) up into the toilet…. Unpleasant enough but made more unusual by the clouds of steam that were emitted by the toilet when I flushed it! the cistern was pleasantly warm, the handle comfortably hot and the radiator stone cold. My brains were scrambled but I knew the loo shouldn’t be boiling hot! The hot tap in the bathroom sink was running hot, and so was the cold one! I called for help with the fire and then spent the morning ringing BT repeatedly to try to get my phone fixed but they denied my number was a BT number and couldn’t trace my order, technical services were available from 7:00 am but they passed me to another dept who wouldn’t start till 8:00 am and they passed me to a department who didn’t start till 9:00 am. This was taking forever with continual requests to press button 1, key in my phone number, key in my order number… and my mobile phone kept cutting out on me so by the time they decided it was a technical fault that would have to be looked at by technicians on Monday, I had had to resort to getting 2 other people with landlines to make the calls for me.

During the afternoon George came and moved the plate for me and relit the fire, tried to get the radiators working and contacted a plumber for us. He recommended we pour off the incredibly hot water - I ran off gallons of hot water in the bathroom – so much that the steam was lifting the wallpaper off the wall! I was washed out, couldn’t face any boxes and sloped off to bed.

Monday was a bit of a blur from my side – if I wasn’t throwing up, I was hiding in bed wearing 4 layers of clothes and an electric blanket, plumbers and workmen were working away in the house - apparently the fire was more or less working, it’s the electric water heater that is making the water boil. The central heating pump was replaced and thermostats were fiddled with, the fire re-lit and the radiators slowly started to pick up some warmth

BT finally connected the phone and someone fixed the satellite dish so once more my house rings with the sound of foreign news broadcasts (actually on reflection - , but at least the light of my life is happy ) He was an absolute star on Monday, made a valiant start on emptying the boxes littering the lounge and kitchen – even though he had been in hospital just a day or two before! I felt guilty playing the dying duck when he was working so hard but I really could hardly move.
Late Monday evening the tumble dryer squawked and died

Tuesday morning the kettle didn’t work… nor did the electric heater or any other kitchen appliances including the washing machine. Oh a fuse! Where is the fusebox? About 10 feet off the ground above the front door! Is it a fancy one with trip switches? No, old fashioned fuse wire. Who fancies balancing on top of a step ladder fiddling with fuse wire? Certainly not me, I’m having difficulty staying on my feet on the ground! Fortunately George is a nice man who, being a farmer, is out and about nice and early It seems the steam that was released when I poured gallons of boiling water away on Sunday night/Monday morning condensed on the wires causing a short circuit. (I hope that’s it anyway – I can’t imagine regularly changing these fuses!) Once the fuse was fixed the tumble dryer came back to life By Wednesday I was coming back to life too. Still a bit fragile, still unable to face more than a couple of bites of dry bread without dashing to the loo but I was managing to stay awake and erect for several hours at a time. I was still, however, lying awake each night wondering if this was the biggest mistake of my life. The fire seemed to have started behaving itself, staying in (just) all night and coming back to life when I coaxed it with sticks and logs, it was even managing to warm up the radiators, but it takes time to warm up the walls of an old stone house enough to make the rooms comfortable. Other excitements during this period were the pouring rain on the day of the move, snow the following day and gale force winds the next day, something going wrong with the plumbing in of the washing machine leading to water going all over the place, and the cat refusing to emerge from behind the boxes in the spare room.

Still, we’re in and the only neighbours above us are the bats, I have been told, that live in the roof. So long as they don’t start having late night parties they’re welcome!

IT SEEMS IMPOSSIBLE

I have just been forwarded a powerpoint presentation titled "IT SEEMS IMPOSSIBLE" (The entire presentation is in block capitals)

This presentation is anti-Iranian and anti-muslim propaganda bundled onto a series of images of holocaust victims.

I would like to assure anyone who ends up watching this that there is no such thing as a "United Kingdom Curriculum" each country within the United Kingdom sets its own curriculum, certainly Scotland does and without any instruction from Iran.

I went to school 30 years ago and wasn't taught the holocaust, at that time Iran was still Persia and there was no muslim control of education in schools, so whether or not it is taught in schools now cannot be placed at the door of Iran or the mullahs the Islamophobes are so scared of.

I am sorry but I am absolutely blinding angry about this.

There are plenty of lessons that can be taken from the Holocaust , the killing fields of Cambodia and the distressing massacres in Rwanda and most recently DR Congo. Targeting another "enemy within" is not one of them.

(non-members can comment here)

Sunshine on Leith (The Proclaimers Musical)

I went to see Sunshine on Leith (again) today at the Dundee Rep Theatre in Dundee.
This musical first opened in 1997, and I went to see it at the Kings in Glasgow, but seeing the show at the company's home theatre, which is small and intimate compared to the Kings, was a different experience completely.

I can't improve on the rep website blurb "A fantastic, fun and poignant night’s entertainment, Sunshine on Leith follows the highs and lows of young ex-soldiers Ally and Davy as they return to their lives back home in Scotland. Families, relationships and life in Leith are not all plain sailing in this exceptional love story about everyday life in Scotland."

The music and acting were truly fantastic, and so poignant, at two points tears were running down my face - watching Jean sing "Sunshine on Leith" at her husbands bedside, and (naturally) when Hazel is packing and the family she is leaving behind sing "Letter From America"
The opening scene in Afghanistan, showing the soldiers preparing to go out on a sortie was incredibly effective - particularly a few days after all the publicity surrounding the 90th anniversary of the 1st World War.
The funny bits were hilarious, the poignant bits were tearful, and the love stories were romantic but realistic.
If ever you get a chance to see it go! It's a real slice of Scottish life.

It may be raining outside...

...but my inner weather clear and sunny!



If you want to know your inner forecast click here

Wet Feet!

Well, we’ve been having a busy time of it lately.

On Wednesday evening my nice (single, male, quiet) neighbour from downstairs came and said water was running into his kitchen, I rushed and checked my kitchen sink that I suspected was leaking, and there was a tiny bit of water in the cupboard, so I said I’d get an emergency plumber out, which I did and he replaced part of the sink drain. All sorted out, no problem.

Then last night after traipsing round B&Q and Tesco with my mother, (don't you just love these 24 hour supermarkets? it means you can do a whole days work and then spend your free time trochling round the shops...) I eventually got home at 8 o’clock, opened the door and nearly fell over the same plumber!

It wasn’t the sink.

In the afternoon my neighbour had noticed water running down his walls and called the plumber out, my DH was fast asleep, and they had to rouse him to do something about it! As you can imagine, that and the fact that I had come and taken the car away without even saying hello didn’t put him in the best of moods! Anyway the plumber was fiddling away with the hot water tank and shaking it to find where the water was coming from… eventually he decided it was corroded and needed replaced. He disconnected it, and drained it and at 10pm went off home.

So now we’ve no hot water at all. Luckily he connected the bathroom up to the mains supply, so we can use the loo and sink, (and the bath if we feel masochistic) but because the mains water is so powerful, whenever you switch on the tap, the water goes everywhere, and when you flush the loo the noise!!! It sounds like the damn thing’s going to explode!

I don’t know how I can face my neighbour again, I’m mortified. It has always been my nightmare that I would flood out the flat downstairs, but I had always expected that it would be me in the bath going through the floor! Which, on reflection, would be rather more embarrassing!

You know you're Scottish when...

Pinched from the internet:

1. Scattered showers with outbreaks of sunshine and a cold northerly wind, is your idea of good weather.
2. The only sausage you like is square.
3. You were forced to do Scottish country dancing every year at high school.
4. You have a wide knowledge of local words, and know: Numpty is an idiot, Aye is yes, Aye right is No, Auldjin is someone over 40, and Baltic is cold.
5. You have an irrational need to eat anything from the chippy, as long as its deep fried - Haggis, pizza, white pudding, sausage, fish, chicken and battered Mars Bars.
6. You used to love destroying your teeth with -Penny Dainties, Wham Bars, Cola Cubes, and Soor Plooms.
7. You always greet people by talking about the weather.
8. Even if you normally hate the Proclaimers, Runrig, Caledonia, Deacon Blue, Big Country, etc, you still love it when they are played in a club abroad. (in fact you’ll probably ask the DJ to play it)
9. You have an enormous feeling of dread, even when Scotland play a diddy team.
10. You are proud that Scotland has the highest number of alcohol and smoking deaths in Europe.
11. You used to watch Glen Michael’s Cartoon Cavalcade on a Sunday Afternoon with his lamp Paladdin.
12. You got Oor Wullie and The Broons books Every Christmas.
13. You only enjoy Weir’s Way on the telly when you are pissed.
14. You are able to recognise the regional dilect, (Glasgow) ‘Awright pal, gonie gies a wee swatcha yir paper nat, Cheers, magic pal. (Aberdeen) Fitlike Loon? Furryboots ya bin up tae? fair few quines in the night, min. (Inverness) Ah-eee right enuffff! How’s you keeeepeeeen?
15. You know the police are about to arrive when you hear someone shout-Errapolis.
16. You have witnessed a ‘Square Go’
17. You know that when you are asked which School you attended they really mean,’Are you Catholic or Proddy?’
18. You have eaten the following: Mince and Tatties, Cullen Skink, Tunnock’s Teacakes, Snowballs and Caramel Wafers, Porage, Macaroon Bar, Baxters Soup, Scotch Pie, Oatcakes.
19. A Jakey has asked you for 10p for a cuppa tea.
20. You wait at the shop counter for 1p change.
21. You know that the right response to ‘you dancing?’ is ‘you askin?’ followed by ‘am askin’ and finally ‘then am dancin’.
22. You associated sawdust with vomit, coz the ‘jannie’ always, used to pour it over sick in school.
23. You lose all respect for a groom who doesn’t wear a kilt.
24. You don’t do shopping, you ‘go for the messages.’
25. You’re on a bus and the drunk picks you to sit next to.
26. You are able to conduct a 20 minute phone call using three words only,– Awright, aye, and naw.
27. When you refuse the offer of a drink, you hear, ‘ You no weel?’
28. You have heard the following: You canny fling pieces oot a 20 storey flat, 700 hungry weans’ll testify to that, If its butter, cheese or jelly, If the breed is plain or pan, The chances o’ it reachin earth, Are ninety nine tae wan.
29. You know that going to a party means bringin a Kerry oot.
30. Your holiday in Benidorm is ruined when you hear there is a heatwave back home.
31. Scotland go 2-0 up against the French, and you immediately think, getting beat 3-2 was ‘no a bad result’.
32. You can pronounce: McConnochie, Ecclefechan,Milngavie, and Kirkcaldy.
33. You love deep fried Pizza.
34. You can’t pass a Kebab shop after being at the pub.
35. You are used to four seasons in one day. (winter, winter, autumn, winter)
36. You can fall when drunk and not spill your drink.
37. You see people wearing shellsuits with Burberry accessories, and think ‘thats class’.
38. You measure distance in minutes.
39. You understand Rab C. Nesbitt.
40. You go to Saltcoats because you think its abroad.
41. You can make a whole sentence using only swear words.
42. You know what haggis is made with, but you still enjoy it.
43. You know someone who planned their wedding around the football fixtures.
44. You have been to a wedding and the football results have been announced in church.
45. You are not surprised to find one shop selling ALL of the following: Pizzas, Nappies, Fags, Curries, Milk, Paint, Shoes etc.
46. Your seaside home has Calor gas under it.
47. You know that Irn-Bru is a good hang over cure.
48. You could swear before you could count.
49. You would ‘nut’ a terrorist if they tried to bomb your Airport.
50. You are not only Scottish but Glasgwian when you understand the following- How’s it hingin’, clatty, boggin’, cludgie, Ba’heid, bawbag, and double nougat.

Also:

• You know the difference between a pan loaf and a plain loaf.
• You support whichever teams are playing against England.
• When you visit Australia and New Zealand, strangers hear your accent and come and tell you that their granny came from Dumfermline or Hamilton or some other Scottish town.
• When you refer to ‘the Capital’, you don’t mean London.
• When you refer to ‘the Parliament’, you don’t mean Westminster.
• ...and the tune to the "jeely piece" song is still running through your head, hours after reading this!

"borrowed" from http://kulaprabha.net/

Thank You Jane!

Left the house this morning feeling really gloomy, but 10 minutes into my journey I met a little ray of sunshine who helped me see that life is really not at all bad and that success is not measured by material things but by relationships.

That sounds awful – and normally on reading something like that I’d be rolling my eyes and sticking two fingers down my throat, but I’m not. She didn’t give me any advice or platitudes, in fact she just chatted, showed an interest and listened, but being with such a nice person focussed my attention on all the good things in my life, like my family.

I was able to let go of all the envious thoughts about houses and money that have been consuming me lately. What does it matter if I’m stuck in a noisy old dump at the moment? Make that noisy old dump a cosy little paradise (albeit a noisy, cosy little paradise), think about the good people who surround me and forget about the awfulness of the people above me. I’m not usually such a moan you know. I do quite often have low periods but compensate for them by having far, far more happy periods in my life. Peace, joy and contentment! That’s not the new me but it’s the usual me making a determined reappearance!

Isn’t that nice? I must say that even though I got on it with a little black cloud hovering above me, I stepped off the bus with a spring in my step – which is good going considering that I was stepping off it in Dalkeith!

Thank you Jane from Lauder for being my own little ray of sunshine.

Tuesday Morning Musings

My mood is far too closely linked to whatever book I’m reading at the time. Is this a psychological weakness? If I was to start reading thrillers would that turn me into a serial killer? (Hmmmm, I know who I would be top of my victim list!) Watch out! My next book is a murder mystery!

No – it’s more a mood thing. If I read something gloomy my mood sinks to my boots and if I read something light and fluffy I feel fluffy myself. Is the lead character witty and sharp? Fancy that, so am I! Any of life's little problems that come my way can be swept aside with an amusing comment. Is my lead character suffering the old 'slings and arrows'? Oh dear... nobody loves me, the milk of life is pooling around my feet and being diluted with copious tears. Woe, woe and thrice woe!

Definitely some kind of problem, maybe I should see a doctor.... I wonder if you can get PG Wodehouse on prescription?

I've just finished the Ebony Tower by John Fowles. John Fowles is an excellent writer, you feel your mind being gently exercised as he develops ideas and situations, without abandoning plot and character. Unfortunately the series of stories in this collection is inhabited by a collection of characters who are faced with uncomfortable situations and the tales explore the ways they deal with the situations they find themselves in. Not really the kind of thing my chameleon personality needs when I'm trying to persuade myself that the world hasn't turned against me and no, it would not be a good idea to murder the people upstairs.

Twitter / Heathermomo

Doom and Gloom

I'm going to take my own advice and post in the depths of my misery. I've suffered a disappointment, and I find it hard to talk about face to face because my eyes tend to leak, I know it's silly but I can't help it.

I live in a flat and about a year ago an incredibly noisy family moved in upstairs. the noise has permeated to the depths of my soul and I am a shadow of my former self. My life has a permanent soundtrack of thump bang crash, and it is sooo wearying.

But that's not my disappointment, just the background to it.

After 20 years in this flat we have started the search for a new house, preferably on the ground floor, and definitely with no upstairs neighbours. A proper house in fact. A few weeks ago we found one. 12 Westfield Rd. Perfect. A semi detached house for rent, in the same town. The owners aren't just letting it because the housing market is so weak, they are looking for a long term tenant. It has a garden, a garage, and an old lady next door who is unlikely to have late night parties at weekends. It also has a tiny kitchen and a basic bathroom, and no downstairs loo, but apart from that....

We viewed it, considered it and applied for it. Various credit checks were to be carried out. I declared openly the shadow on my record (there's a good reason I'm a tenant and not an owner!) and was assured that that was unlikely to be a problem. We waited for the result to come through, and I always kept my natural pessimism to the fore. After all until the checks are complete we may well not have secured the house. Then one evening I checked the reference website and there against my name was an open comment - "Approved for Tenancy"!

Marvellous! The house was ours! I danced around, I emailed my children, I spoke to my sister by phone telling her the whole story of the application, I checked we had the deposit available and slept happy that night knowing I could escape this prison.

Next morning my husband went to see the agent.... "Unfortunately..." the thieving sons of unmarried parents! They took our 'administration fee', ran the checks, then refused the application because of the shadow I had declared to them and had been assured was not an issue! Apparently the only way they could approve the tenancy would be if we paid the entire term up front - plus a deposit! It's hilarious really.

Now we're £50 poorer, and in the same hellish position we were before. However I had allowed my hopes to build up that night and when they came crashing down it was devastating. I had to tell everyone I had been mistaken and that I was not actually moving - which is mortifying. I have to face no end to this noise and disruption, in fact the children will get bigger and noisier and I can't see life getting any better.

Aaargh!!!

I am just recovering from a dreadful experience!

I was sitting in Mum's living room chatting away when from the corner of my I eye I saw a mouse running across her carpet not three feet away from my feet! I quickly looked at it only to find it wasn't a mouse, but a mouse sized spider!!

Naturally I gently drew her attention to it by saying "Goodness gracious is that a spider?" or possibly even screaming "Aaaarghh! Look at the size of that flaming spider!! It's running across the floor!!" When it shot under a dresser I thought, well it will find a nice dark corner now and won't bother us any more.

More fool me.

A few minutes later I was sitting in the same spot on the sofa calm relaxed having forgotten about the existence of monster man eating arachnids when the damned creature returned! Woosh! right across the cushion right beside me!

There was no question about it this time. I shot out of that chair screaming like Usain Bolt with his pants on fire! "AAaarrrrgh! That damn spiders out to get me!" and I had a sneaking suspicion that it was lurking in my handbag, so I couldn't grab it and run away!

My mother approached with murderous intent, berating me for not standing on it when I had the chance (I had the chance?)

Fortunately the creature wasn't in my bag, it emerged at the bottom of the sofa near the floor and my sweet nephew came in saying "Don't kill it! Don't kill it! I'll get my jar!" I did think at the time this wasn't the time to trap and release the spider outside just so it could turn round and come back again, but by the time I had thought all that the spider was being encouraged into a jar by my nephew.

The twist in the tail is of course that as soon as the spider was trapped my dear nephew grinned in evil fashion and chanted fight! fight! fight!

What kind of person traps two spiders in a jar and watches them fight it out?